oooh the one boy i thought was so utterly unique turned out to be very much not so


every time i feel all emotional and upset and things i want to break up but then later i feel silly for feeling that way

but now i'm coming to realise that it's probably enough grounds for the conversation that i'm even feeling that way in the first place about him or because of him.

i find it hard to comprehend that he can be totally oblivious to how sad he has made me

it's just dreadful how much this is my fault, though. i'm an insecure mess and i don't know what i'm doing ever and i can't remember why he'd even like me ugh. it's my fault also because i thought he was so incredibly perfect and wonderful so when he stopped being total perfection i was just so easily hurt

i don't know why he's doing this. if he wants to say something or break up or anything like that i just cannot figure out why he hasn't just done it already. the only thing i've gotten out of him is that he thinks it's uncool when i act weird like this and that i should relax. the funny thing is that when he said that, it really hurt, but i tried to attempt this state of 'relaxation' but it turns out it's pretty difficult to achieve when you're constantly paranoid and anxious about the state of your relationship with your boyfriend who's gone MIA from your life.

i want him to come and and tell me what's on his mind but at the same time inside i know that the most probable thing that's going on is that he's not hiding something big or avoiding breaking up with me, but in reality he's just avoiding me because he finds me annoying and conversation with me tedious. and he really just doesn't care.

and i'm pretty sure it's both natural and okay for that realisation to make me feel dreadful.

i'm going to go to bed now and hopefully maybe one day soon something will be resolved.